This article is the second part of a four-part series on low self-esteem and shame, written exclusively for MyAddiction.com by Richard Harnett
ORIGIN OF OUR FEAR OF DISAPPROVAL
Low self-esteem is the result of our experience of disapproval in one form or another. This rejection is always undeserved and unwarranted.
Family of Origin: Our parents may have mocked us and put us down, we may have been abandoned, betrayed, or neglected. We may have been subjected to verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. And we may have been expected to hide what was done to us.
Current Relationships: We may be involved with someone who is abusive, demeaning, or dehumanizing.
Cultural: We may experience prejudice against us because we are alcoholics, addicts, female, black, Hispanic, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, evangelical, poor, elderly, overweight, physically disabled, sexually different. We may not be occupationally successful or religiously obedient.
Self-Hatred: We may have internalized the unfair judgments of others so much that we castigate ourselves for being imperfect and making mistakes.
Not only do we feel inferior as a result of such disapproval, but we might accept the negative judgment and become ashamed of ourselves as well.
GETTING HIGH TO ALLEVIATE FEELING LOW
People with addictions get high in order to prop up their self-esteem. Because they alternate between feelings of inferiority and superiority, they are often diagnosed as having a bi-polar disorder, formerly known as manic-depression. They have internalized a negative opinion of themselves that is so severe they are desperate for relief. For this reason, they resort to the quick fix provided by their addiction of choice.
Some addicts, of course, deny that they have any negative feelings about themselves. They point to all their worldly success as proof. They lack insight, however, into what makes them tick. As long as they believe their self-worth can be measured by externals, their knowledge of themselves will remain superficial. Some kind of crisis may prompt them to examine their assumptions and realize how insecure they really are. Then they may explore their motives for getting high and uncover some deficiency they have overlooked.
Recovery from addictions entails self-study. A mere determination to not get high again will fail because it relies upon willpower and lacks perception. It is the ego?s attempt to reassert itself as the CEO of the whole personality, the very attitude that brought about the downfall to begin with. Unfortunately, some people will go through several rounds of this vicious cycle before they come to their senses.
Beneath the practice of getting high lies a chronic state of discomfort. It is the ego?s dim awareness that it lacks a foundation, since it has tried to validate itself as if it were self-sufficient. Only when the ego realizes how much it depends upon a Source deep within can it shed its insecurity and feel valuable. In other words, when we recognize we are constantly being lived and inspired, then we can be confident we are important allies to the Source we all share in common.
TOOLS TO FEEL VALUABLE
Once we recognize that our low self-esteem and our shame are the result of our being disapproved by others, then we can look deep within ourselves for the affirmation we need. Here are some suggestions that may help lift us out of the gloomy pit. They may require some effort on our part, but we can?t afford to stay stuck in the muck any longer.
HUMOR
We may recall how the comedian Flip Wilson used to say on the TV program Laugh-In, ?Here come de Judge! Here come de Judge!? It may help us to say it whenever we notice an inner figure condemning us.
BEFRIEND OUR INNER CHILD
The feeling of worthlessness usually originates in some childhood experience in which we were disrespected. It may take a while to remember, because we still don?t want to offend the person who hurt us. Or it may come back to us clearly. In either case, we picture ourselves as the child who was made to feel ashamed, and then we imagine ourselves comforting that child. We may need to repeat this exercise until we are confident we have become the mature adult who will hug us with genuine affection and kindness.
HANG OUT WITH HEALTHY PEOPLE
When we associate with hypercritical people, we are making it difficult to improve our self-esteem. If our friends are sarcastic, mean, or bitter, they will reinforce our own thoughts of self-loathing. We may have to deliberately find people who are positive, encouraging, and supportive, and then spend much more time with them than with the ones who only berated and defeated us. Perhaps in time we will have grown enough to withstand criticism, and we may even be able to help others heal their wounds.
Richard G. Hartnett, MA, MS, LCADC is a former Jesuit priest who now lives with his wife, Kathy, by a lake in northwestern New Jersey. He has served as the chaplain at Hazelden New York, pastoral counselor at the Chemical Dependency Department of the International Center for the Disabled in NYC, and continuing care counselor at the outpatient Chemical Dependency Program of High Focus Centers in New Jersey. Currently he maintains a private practice in New Jersey. He is the author of The Presence at the Center, Renewing Your Fourth Step, The Three Inner Voices: Uncovering the Spiritual Roots of Addiction and Recovery, and Sobriety and Inspiration: Entrusting Ourselves to the Source of Our Healing and Creativity.
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